Stiffies 2008 NZ Tour

The Stiffies are currently over in NZ. Read about their exploits from the game reports shipped over by courier pidgeon sheep.

Game 1

About the 'Stiffys'

A casual hockey competition, colloquially known as the Stiff Breeze, has settled in at Erina Ice Arena. Organised by a handful of hockey parents, the Stiff Breeze is aimed at older players who have only recently discovered Ice Hockey.

See how good we think we are!

Recently, whilst fumagating the Stiffies change room, our rink master (or is that ring master) found some archival footage of the Stiffies in their early days. Oh, how we have improved. We are so much better at falling over now.

We have our standards too!

The Stiff Breeze league was created to provide lower-level skaters an environment where they can gain precious ice, puck and game time to improve their skills, without being harrassed by better players with a competitive streak and no sense of humour.

For Stiffys to remain a popular and valuable format it is necessary that we apply (and rigourously enforce) the league eligibility criteria.

Sorry, but you are not qualified to play in the Stiff Breeze League if:

• You have ever represented your State or Country in Ice Hockey.
• You are currently playing, or are at a standard to play, ice hockey in a representative league (IHNSW, ECSL, AIHL etc).
• You are under 18 years old (this is a senior league).
• You skate better than Jean-Paul Bunion or Bigger Dog.
• You have no sense of humour or are not willing to make a positive contribution to the fun-loving atmosphere created by the Stiff Breeze family.
• You do not have the stamina to play through the 4th period.
• You don't think we're serious about enforcing this criteria.

Some say rules are meant to be be broken. Well the Stiffys are no different. Players who do not meet the Stiff Breeze eligibility criteria can participate in the Stiff Breeze League on a strictly invitation-only basis. See Bigger Dog, Speed Bump or John Paul Bunion if you wish to be considered.

Exceptions can be granted for:

• People who wish to perform a player/coach role - setting up plays, organising lines (of players that is), explaining game rules and strategy etc. Stiff Breeze currently have a full roster of coaches so additional invitations in this area are unlikely to be issued.
• People who wish to perform a referee or linesman-type role. This mainly involves blowing (some) off-sides and icing, but more importantly fetching the puck for the real stars of the game.
• People silly enough to want to play in goals. Most of our goalie volunteers are representative players who don't meet the player eligibility criteria. As such, Stiffy goalies are required to play with a handicap to bring them down to Stiffy level. The current handicap system involves goalies foregoing their usual protective gear, and playing just a pair of budgie smugglers (depending on your upbringing you may also know this piece of kit as swimmers, speedos or togs).
• People under 18 years old who (i) the organisers feel can play at the level of Stiff Breeze without putting themselves at increased risk of injury and, (ii) have their parent's permission to play in Stiff Breeze. Remember, this is a Senior league.
  

Game Rules

The Stiff Breeze League is not associated or affiliated with Ice Hockey NSW (or any other hockey association). Having said that, the league's game rules are based on the rules and regulations layed down by Ice Hockey NSW for Seniors Development League games . A copy of these rules can be found in the IHNSW 2005 Handbook.

In particular, players should be aware of the following:

• Body contact allowed. No deliberate checking.
• Slapshots allowed.
• Full hockey equipment is required. Players should also be aware of the age-based requirements for visors, mouth guards etc.

Photos

Big Dog, Brains and Bigger Dog listening to PotHoliness talk strategy during Period 4

Bigger Dog still guarding the slot, long after the game has ended.

Game Reports

Friday 17th June - Stiffy's vs. Whinos

As per all other match reports this one arrived with the punctilious timing of the 6.10pm ~ Central to Fassifern express on a rainy Friday night.

Mea culpa. Apparently it was my turn to do the report, but life got in the way of the best laid plans.

From the dim recesses of my mind (or should that read “from the recesses of my dim mind”?) I seem to recollect … bugger all really … so I will make most of this report up, but be warned some of it may be loosely based on fact as is the rule with all the other reports.

The Highlights

• Big Dog having a shot on goal from 10 feet and missing. Tragically, there was no goalie that end nor any opposition. Rough calculations arrived at the hypothesis that he had about 12 mins to line the attempt up before any defence arrived; however, he appeared to have had a malpighian highjack en-route and with the subsequent rush of blood, let the puck go at unspeakable speed coupled with appalling accuracy, resulting in cries of “That would have been a goal if it had gone in!”
   
  
• Stumbledown yelling ‘encouragement’ at his son ‘Tumbledown’ so vigorously his dental prosthesis was ejected with some force from the top end of his duodenum tract and became lodged in the cage obstructing his view of what he was about to collide with.
  He spent most of the rest of the shift with his head making crazy yapping movements and jabbing his face with a gloved hand in a vain attempt to repatriate the offending obstacle rendering him about as handy as a wooden leg in a bushfire.
   
  
• Chrissy (Ginger Rogers) Wills outsmarting Space Goat by not allowing herself to be hit and scoring an absolute cracker of a goal and in the great tradition retrieved the Puck as she reckons it was the first time she had scored.
   
  
• It would also be rude not to mention Pocket Rocket who also scored for the first time, but I think she has scored before. You can just tell these things.
   
  
• Speaking of goals, I think the goalie had another breakaway and scored, but I can’t be sure as the score vacillated independently of pucks going into the net. John Cremer was scoring again and the secret of winning was exposed when, mysteriously, the score was directly proportional to the amount of beer sent to the official Scorer’s box.
   
  
• Of notable mention in the crowd was Brock Gunson from the Rhino’s who was press ganged into watching. I am sure he picked up some tips and plenty of laughs. There was someone else there too, but we think they were looking for Ticketek.
   
  
• Kelli Wallpaper will be sorely missed by St Johns ambulance as she was deported to Mexico City.
   
  Kelli, we will miss your drive (into the walls) and endeavour (to stay upright) as well as the relentless energy and love, particularly when attacking the ref for what some may see as a fair decision, but we know the truth. There is no offside in Stiffy’s; there is no icing in Stiffy’s, and there are no rules … only rough guidelines. The only requisite is the love of a puck on our stick, mateship and the 4th period.
   
  Keep watching the web site and when you get organised, get a team together down there and we may be able to have an annual challenge cup … for the challenged. We will call it the Wallpaper Perpetual Cup.
   
  
• The final highlight took place at Munyana Street in the garage at about 12 midnight with Uncle Fester & Stumbledown getting some private tuition from Broccoli on how to do a wrist shot.
   
  The 4th draw of the antique small boy was opened and a pencil line drawn on the inside runner to mark the distance.
   
  The object of the exercise was to close the draw with 4 shots from 5 feet.
   
  Broccoli demonstrated how easy this is with his first shot striking the hand carved handle, splintering the 200 year old object into a gazillion pieces (Technical term for the number of pieces something has been smashed into that would make it impossible to reassemble) and sending the draw back into it’s slot and the back out of the rear of the chest and firmly embedding it into the plaster wall behind.
   
  Uncle Fester verified how far he had come when he successfully closed it after 14 shots. The wall behind and to the side was peppered with puck memories.
   
  Stumbledown then proceeded to demolish the rest of the small boy without actually hitting the 4th draw, which was the only surviving part of the original structure, but it’s on life support now and expected to recover, but unfortunately orphaned.
   
  As the VB supply began to dwindle, the practised developed into a full game, with the added difficulty of an 82 year old boat that was nearing completion of restoration, placed squarely in the middle of the field of play.
   
  No amount of explanation could account for the strange and sullen behaviour of my missus when she woke up the next morning and surveyed the new texture of the plastered wall in the garage. Chicks can be so weird.
   
  Personally I think it’s very new age and would catch on given enough time. Be a bastard to paint though.
   
  By some miracle, I am still married, the boat is surprisingly comfortable to sleep in and it is a bastard to paint.

See you all through the school holidays, and remember; “It’s more fun to burn out than rust out”.

Friday 10th June - Dark Side vs. Light Side

Once again the weekly war was waged between the medieval warriors of the dark side and the visionaries of the light, a truly bloodthirsty battle with both sides embroiled in a furious struggle to win the hand of the fair princess ‘Puck’.

For those on-lookers who fail to see the real seriousness of the battle, it could be misconstrued as a battle of the individual trying to stay upright.

During the pre-game endurance test (which involves getting dressed into ones hockey gear), Big Dog and Bigger Dog gave some of the less experienced players a practical lesson in the doggie maneuver. This is the ritual of going down on one knee to tie the skate laces - an essential practice to avoid compression damage of the abdominal hockey implants. (commonly referred to as the secondary esky during period 4 activities). One trainee puppy, who attempted the maneuver without a training harness and proper supervision, had to be rescued just prior to losing consciousness. Apparently he'd ignored a vital piece of advice - not to do up his hockey pants prior to attempting the maneuver! The resulting lack of oxygen turned his face as blue as his jersey.

A big crowd had gathered at the start of the game because there was a rumour that Jean-Paul Bunion was going to make his return to the big game. Unfortunately, a last minute change of plans saw him having to work overtime at the lumber yard.

As the players hit the ice for the ritual joke-telling session, Bigger Dog stunned everyone. Instead of turning up in his normal stealth black outfit (reminiscent of Darth Vader) he instead appeared on the ice looking like a giant polar bear (or is that a panda bear?) in a new white jersey. This signaled an end to the normal coupling of Big Dog and Bigger Dog on the defensive line (to the delight of some previous victims of their on-ice antics). This would see them spend the rest of the game playing in opposing yards.

Our northern cousins, Sue the 'Croc', Emily, Ken and other regulars from the Zimmer crew went AWOL this week. Rumor has it they have been attending secret meetings in an effort to hatch a cunning plan to bring down our local playmakers, however our reliable sources tell us that they were unable to attend this week due to injuries sustained during a 4th period infraction some weeks ago (initial prognosis was drinkers elbow!).

Methuselah however turned up with a spring in his step reminiscent of a 6 year old going on his first school excursion. The reason, we found out later, was because he had brought along a pal who, at a sprightly 73, was 6 months older than he was so for the first time in many a year he wasn’t the oldest player to take the ice.

Other notable absences ... Pocket Rocket who was ruled out at the last minute (Stumbledown said she couldn’t come out to play cause she had snot), and Wallpaper Kell apparently suffered at the hands of the immigration department and is being deported to Mexico City, Victoria. As a consolatory gesture, she has been granted the rights to open the Victorian Chapter of Stiff Breeze. In fact, she is obliged.

As the puck dropped for the first period, a hush fell over the arena, a mixture of excitement and wonder filled the eyes of all concerned but this was quickly diagnosed as opticus dribbleus due to the tang of several very funky sets of hockey gear, ahh, the essence of hockey!

Big dog was lucky to escape a trip to the pound after having stolen the Test Pilot’s stick and was about to commence chewing on it before being interrupted by the referee and told to give it back.

Several complaints were received from players about the large gouges in the ice, it was later discovered that these were caused by the face cage of one ‘Pot Hole’ who spent almost as much time head down as the victims of the invisible man, who was also out for a big game this week.

Some great saves by Brett ‘I’ve got my PJ’s’ Cole-Clark added some excitement and both benches were very vocal this week, much of which was confusion over which end the lone goalie should have been.

Some very fast and aggressive play by Jimmy ‘The fall guy” and Test Pilot paid dividends for the light team and by the end of the first period they were up ( I think, no one really bothers with the score anyway, do they?)

In the second period a mix-up over the rubber dog biscuit saw three of the dark team lying in a heap on the ice at Bigger Dog's feet. Bigger Dog, wondering what all the fuss was about, waved off the excitement as though he was swatting mozzies and then bounded away to "play" with another dog who had strayed in to the yard.

Big Dog, who must have had an extra helping of Schmacko's before the game, threw caution to the wind and was seen bounding over the blue line in to unfamiliar territory many times during the game. Apparently he'd found a new chew toy and wanted to show Bigger Dog. Unfortunately Bigger Dog was never out in the yard at the same time as Big Dog, leaving Big Dog to play with himself.

This week saw the debut of a few new stiffies, Annalie Joeley and the Red Guy made their first appearance in the ring, both with strong performances, and it is hoped both will make regular appearances in the future.

Chook Legs showed what "real goalies" are made of by playing most of the game in goals, but devoid of the usual protective gear that lesser goalies hide behind. Undeterred, he defended the light team's goal from the relentless attack from the dark team's gun players - Annalie , the young guy in the red jersey, Big Dog, Pot Hole Jnr and even Brains was in on the action.

In the third period goalie Brett Cole-Clark made a breakaway, hoping to end Chook Leg's hold on a shut-out. As he crossed the blue line in to the neighbor’s yard he was intercepted by Bigger Dog who was on guard duty at the time. The resulting collision was like watching an ocean liner hit a dinghy (you can see it coming for miles but there is nothing you can do to pull out).

Ok - on to period 4.

Big Dog, drained of energy now that the Schmacko-high had worn off, announced he was leaving early. Apparently Mamma Dog had prepared dinner and was keeping it warm in the oven. His enthusiasm to get home was understandable given that they were having salad. His leave pass was authorised and he went on his way.

Some time later, Brains, sitting on the bench cooling down after a strenuous 4th period, gave an ear-bursting shriek as though he was reliving a nightmare. "It was absolutely terrifying" he said, referring to an earlier incident. With eyes as wide as a deer in your headlights he said "All I could see was Bigger Dog's backside hovering inches above my head. Bigger dog was looking down at me and said “Jeez, I don’t remember eating that!”

Having already emptied the first-aide box of liquid band-aid, the team chipped in for some therapy sessions to help Brains recover from the trauma.

Remember, never let the truth get in the way of a good yarn and if you keep your stick stiff and your hands soft, you will always get the puck.

Friday 13th May - Stiffys vs. Lardies

In the tradition of Friday night sporting spectaculars our country has become accustomed to, this week’s Stiffies match was certainly no exception. An exuberant crowd of six turned out to witness the struggle with balance and gravity that is Stiffies ice hockey.

From the first face-off the game went off like a firecracker, albeit a wet Tom Thumb, but never the less the game was explosive.

A few notable exceptions to the line up this week with chook legs, who apparently sneezed some days ago and sustained rib injuries, and the Wiley Methuselah who whilst in the pro-shop had his head mistaken for a helmet once again and was purchased and gift wrapped for a birthday present.

Big Dog and Bigger Dog lined up in defence for the dark side (no Star Wars pun intended) that saw the white team reluctant to cross the blue line for fear of being used as human cannon fodder.

Wallpaper Kelly on the wing was spectacular, spending much of her time being plastered up the boards by the opposition, but never-the-less was always (well almost always) quick to her feet and back harassing the opposition with or without the puck.

One eyed Pete in the centre was dazzling everyone on the ice with his puck control, most of all speed bump, who retired to the bench after the first shift somewhat confused as what he was actually here for however was quick to regain his natural sense of leadership once on the bench and started his weekly ritual of yelling tactics and strategies at every player on the ice as well as the spectators.

The Zimmer crew from Newcastle made their illustrious return this week after the deal with the prospective retirement village fell through and the availability of a maxi taxi large enough to carry hockey bags and Zimmer frames.

Sue the ‘Croc’ managed a breakaway any NHL team would be proud of and took a shot on Billy the Kid who was net minding again this week and, with what some may describe as a flash of brilliance or possibly a cunning decoy made by Brains who was floundering on his back after a collision with the invisible man, it found the back of the net.

In her post game interview when asked about her goal she remarked “I can’t wait to tell my husband I scored with a Stiffy!!”

The white team this week, obviously in the wake of a NHL player signing to the AIHL, jumped on the bandwagon with a couple of obvious imports of their own. However not to be laid to rest by the underhanded tactics of the white team, the dark side laid their cards on the table early in the game and stopped at nothing to pester the ring-ins and shut down their plays.

The tactic payed off as the dark side stole the puck from Kevin “puck on a string” Price and dumped it into the corner to where (as much to this reporters amazement as every one else’s) Bigger Dog crossed the blue line into unfamiliar territory.

A momentary hush fell across the whole arena until all was revealed. Bigger dog had no intention of shooting the puck. He was simply baiting the goalie, which apparently worked as Jamie “breakaway” the goalie dashed to the side boards only to be met by Bigger Dog, who made his intensions quite clear as he wrapped him up in a bear hug that would scare any grizzly.

Alas the dark side could not capitalize on this cunning tactic as they all dashed to the locker room to get the Jaws of Life to release the goalie. However these weren’t required as the zoo keepers, who are on hand at every match just in case the tranquilliser gun is required, threw half a buffalo leg on the ice to distract him.

Mr Burns, now fully recovered after the lung biscuit fiasco of last week, was again wrestling the puck around the ice while Tim the Pom and Plod circled the blue line like sharks waiting for a swimmer.

The puck was punched back to the defence, with all the Whites as well as most of the Dark Side fusing in a fracas that would make a rugby scrum look like a precision military drill. Miraculously, Test Pilot came out with it still on his feet, glory short lived however as the defensive skill of Brains were put to the test resulting in both of them on the ice after a disagreement with balance and gravity.

The Pocket Rocket was at it again, beating up the boys on the opposite team that is. After being told to ‘get in the slot’ on the attack, she was overheard asking ‘where is this mythical slot you speak of? True to the ever-competitive spirit of the Pocket Rocket that’s where she stayed just waiting to capitalise and claim the glory, if not for the Zamboni coming out to cut the ice after the match she may well still be there.

As the game raged on, the pace still frantic and both sides fighting for the puck like a seagull on a chip, Big Dog made a break from his own end, closely followed by test pilot and the ring-ins and made a shot on goal, or so it was thought.

It would seem his mentor and unconfirmed twin Bigger Dog had taught the younger dog well, as the shot dribbled past the net, the goalie once again left his crease like a Pommie batsman bowled for a duck and was accosted behind the net by Big Dog, the details of which are at best not appropriate for viewing before 9:30 at night.

With the game in the final seconds, the white team’s goalie made a break away from his net. The details of his intent are still sketchy at best however it would appear that as a grand finale to the match, an on ice orgy ensued on the blue line, with John Paul Bunyan the first to jump on.

It was alleged that from the bench Big Dog was heard to turn back and remark to his fellow team mates as he jumped the boards “ hurry up guys, you don’t want to get an ugly one do you!”

With the orgy attempt a dismal failure to everyone but the crowd, who were apparently awoken by the noise, the teams retired to the locker room to replenish the holy water within the temple that is the body of a hockey player.

In true Stiffies tradition no one could remember, or agree on the score following the match, so all were reserved to the fact that once again, hockey, mateship and a little bit of fun was again the overwhelming winner on the night.

I don’t want to tell stories out of school now readers, however we have discovered the reason for the potato famine in Ireland, which for any of you who have seen the size of John Paul Bunyan’s ‘cup’ of chips can understand exactly what I’m talking about.

With the match run and won all that was left to do was present the awards, and after several refreshments the inaugural ‘I can’t believe he’s driving home award’ was given to Dave, with a second award issued to Speed Bump being the ‘I can’t believe he’s getting a lift home with Dave’ award.

Well folks, may your skates be eternally sharp and puck forever on your stick, and remember, never let a good story get in the way of the truth.

Friday 6th May - Stiffys vs. Softies